


jigsaw

by putorius



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: F slur, Gender, M/M, Nonbinary Character, Trans Character, nonbinary adam, post trk but pre road trip and college, this is basically several pages of adam and blue friendship with some pynch to top it off, trans adam, trans blue
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-15
Updated: 2017-05-15
Packaged: 2018-11-01 00:42:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10910787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/putorius/pseuds/putorius
Summary: They were doing a jigsaw puzzle on the floor. Adam was winning.“You can’t win at a puzzle, Parrish,” said Ronan.“Funny how I’m winning anyway,” said Adam.---otherwise known as the one where adams nonbinary and wants to come out





	jigsaw

**Author's Note:**

> idk what this is about. i mean, its about nonbinary adam, but idk what im doing. hope you enjoy!  
> edit:  
> warning! i use the f slur (f*g) in the opening paragraph.

When Adam realized he’d liked Ronan - that he’d had some kind of a _crush_ on Ronan - it had hit him like a wave, rolled over him when he was already half in the water. He hadn’t exactly thought about. There was static in the air for a while, and then suddenly, a spark. He’d just let it happen to him. He knew what Robert Parrish would have thought - that Adam was some kind of a dirty faggot - but Adam was mostly just in love.

He called Blue from a payphone.

“Adam,” she said. “Adam?”

“I thought you weren’t psychic,” Adam said.

“Orla,” said Blue. It sounded sour. There was something more there, but Blue didn’t elaborate. “What do you need?”

Adam thought about this. He didn’t know why he was calling, or what he was doing using the payphone outside the garage instead of the one in the office.

“I guess I needed to talk to you,” he said.

“Is it about Cabeswater?” asked Blue. It wasn’t, really, but Adam didn’t want to tell her she was wrong. Sometimes Blue tossed guesses around like spaghetti and waited for something to stick.

“I just -” said Adam. He didn’t know what he was doing. “I just don’t think I can talk about this with Gansey or Noah.”

That he couldn’t talk about it with Ronan either went unsaid.

“So talk,” said Blue. Then, kinder: “You can talk to me about anything, you know.”

“Mhm,” hummed Adam. “I’m just a little off tonight, I suppose.”

“Do you want me to come get you?” Blue asked. She said _want_ but she’d meant _need_.

“Nothing like that,” said Adam. “I don’t know. Maybe we should talk in person. Later. I won’t make you get up now.”

Adam could practically see Blue pursing her lips. He could hear it in her silence. She didn’t point out that she was already up, or that she was already looking for her shoes despite being tethered by the landline.

“Adam,” she said. “It isn’t a bother.”

“It’s okay. I need to collect my thoughts, anyway,” said Adam. He fumbled with the phone cord.

“My shoes are already on,” she said. “Are you at the garage? Stay there.”

“Blue,” said Adam. He wouldn’t leave Blue stranded ever, but he thought about running anyway.

“I’m coming,” said Blue. “If you aren’t still there when I get there, I’ll - I’ll lose my mind, Adam. I’ll be furious.”

She’d been about to threaten him - to say that she’d kill him if he wasn’t there - but Blue couldn’t really make herself say things like that to Adam.

“I’ll be right here,” said Adam. “Inside, actually. Knock before you come in.”

\---

They were in Boyd’s office. Adam was in his chair. He’d offered Blue a chair, but she’d elected to sit on top of his desk instead, so she could lean over him and crowd his space. Adam hadn’t decided whether or not that was okay yet. Sometimes having people in his space - having people over him, encompassing him - was suffocating and overwhelming. He had spent a lot of time with people towering over him. Other times, it was comforting, like they were covering him. Like he was being protected.

They were nursing pop from the vending machine. Adam was one of those people who called all soft drinks ‘coke’, which made Blue laugh.

“It’s a 7-Up,” said Blue. “It’s not _cola_ , Adam.”

“It’s all coke to me,” he said. He sipped his coke - really an orange soda - and threaded his fingers together. “You didn’t have to come all the way out here, you know.”

She looked at him hard for a moment. “You scared me,” she said. It was quiet, like a confession.

“I’m sorry,” said Adam. Sometimes apologies would escape him without his permission.

“What is it?” asked Blue. Her legs were hanging off the desk, swinging lightly.

“I never thought about being gay,” said Adam. “There wasn’t a question about it.”

“You always knew?” asked Blue. Adam could feel it, that she was thinking about when they’d sort of been a thing.

“I’m not gay,” said Adam. “I mean, I never got to think about being a fag because my dad would have killed me.”

Blue had heard people say that before. Blue had said it herself - oh, if I fail this class, Mom will kill me. Calla will have my goat if I leave that shit out on the table. Orla will get me if I keep on the phone too long - but Adam really meant it when he said it, more than anybody else she’d ever heard.

“I didn’t have time, anyway. It’s one thing to date a girl, someone I wouldn’t have to - to _explain_ if I got caught or if someone saw us. It’s another thing to date someone I’d have to hide. I didn’t -” Adam took another sip of his drink. “I knew it was okay. I knew as soon as I was old enough for independent thought.”

“Are you thinking about it now?” asked Blue.

“It just bothers me, I guess. You could call me bi, if you really wanted to,” said Adam.

“Okay,” said Blue. “That’s okay. You can like everyone. You can like anyone you want.”

“Blue,” said Adam. “What order did you figure yourself out in?”

Blue cocked her head. A barrette was swinging on a tuft of hair, doing absolutely nothing to clip her hair to her head and out of her face.

“Do you mean in terms of gender?” she asked.

“I don’t know if you can think about sexuality without thinking about gender,” said Adam. “All these words require you to define yourself. Like, if gay means that you like the same gender as yourself, you have to know your gender, right?”

“And since you’ve never thought about your sexuality before…” Blue trailed off.

“Right,” said Adam.

“Well,” said Blue. She held the edge of the desk with both hands, flexing her wrists. “Mom knew before I did. They didn’t tell me, just in case, but they’d done a reading. She knew she was going to have a daughter. They just sort of let me do whatever I wanted, expression wise, and then I got to the first grade and my teacher kept trying to make me line up with the boys, so I bit her.”

Blue said this as Adam was taking a drink, and he nearly spit his soda out. He coughed heartily a few times and Blue laughed.

“You _bit her_?” asked Adam.

“I was a biter,” said Blue. “Of course, they called my Mom on me. She asked me what had me so upset and I told her. She asked me if I’d feel better in the girl’s line, and that’s when it made sense to me. My sexuality was basically the same way. I mean, I grew up in a house with straight, lesbian, and bi parental figures. I didn’t know it could be a problem until kids at school made it a problem.”

“Hm,” Adam thought the story might be something like that, the exact opposite of how he was working through it.

“What are you thinking?” asked Blue.

“I’m not a girl,” said Adam. “I know that. But I also think I’m not a boy.”

“Like, being nonbinary?” asked Blue.

Adam looked up at her. He’d come to a decision on having her tower over him - it was very comforting. “Is that the word for it?” he asked. He sounded like a child. Adam hadn’t sounded like a child, not really, since he was six or seven.

“Oh, Adam,” Blue said. She reached out to brush his bangs back. His hair was getting shaggy. “Oh, Adam.”

\---

Adam was good and bad at a lot of things, but he could really swallow up words. There wasn’t anything a person could do to stop him from reading. He’d been embarrassed walking into kindergarten - he hadn’t gone to any kind of a preschool or daycare, really, and he didn’t know his letters the way other children did - but that didn’t last long. Words and letters floated into his person like they were always supposed to have been there, like he was born in a swarm of them. He could mop up a book overnight if he wanted to. It wasn’t that he needed to find time for reading in between studying and working - it was that the little moments throughout the day, the times when he only had a few minutes and it would take too much time to get his school binders out - were just enough for him to take over books. He had a real talent for it. Somebody should have told him - reading isn’t just about being fast or slow. Some people read, and others _read_ , and it’s something you can have a talent for the way other people get perfect pitch.

All that said, it made sense that Adam absorbed what literature Blue brought him on gender and gender identity within a few days. Working with Gansey, knowing Ronan and Blue and Noah, it had all made him very confident in one thing - that he really couldn’t ever know anything for certain, that the world was full of possibility. There were rules, sure, but they were never the ones you thought. Still, he couldn’t believe there was a whole subset of humanity he hadn’t been privy to, and even better, than _he’d been one of them_.

“Well,” said Adam. “I guess if you want to call it, we could say I’m a genderless fool.”

Blue licked her lips, covered in syrup from her popsicle. “You’re agender, you think?”

“Suppose,” said Adam. “Thought I don’t know that I’ll call myself that. The definition is solid.”

“But not the word? Not for you?” asked Blue.

“Dunno,” said Adam. His ice cream was threatening to drip onto his hand. He caught a drop with his tongue.

Blue nodded. “I know what you mean. I never - I mean, I don’t call myself a trans girl normally. Only if I need to explain it.”

Adam looked at her. “‘Cause you’re just a girl,” he said,

“Yeah,” said Blue. “I mean, there’s nothing wrong with it. I know a couple of trans girls who go out of their ways to mention that they’re trans. It’s like a badge of honor for some of them.”

“Not for you?” asked Adam.

“I’d die for my right to be who I am,” said Blue. “I’ve never felt anything less than pride over it. But, I don’t know. I guess it’s part of being from Fox Way. I never transitioned from anything ‘cause they never thought I was a boy to begin with. They were always raising a girl.”

Adam licked at his ice cream before giving up and biting it.

“That’s horrifying,” said Blue. “Lick it, you heathen.”

“Licking it takes too long,” said Adam, laughing a little. “I don’t know why you like to live in fear of a little cold.”

“Ugh,” said Blue. She was smiling anyway.

Adam knocked his shoulders into hers. She knocked him back.

“I should tell Ronan,” said Adam. “I should tell him. Right?”

Blue considered this. “Not necessarily,” she said. “Your gender really isn’t anyone’s business but your own.”

“It feels dishonest,” said Adam. “He’s - I mean, he’s gay. Really gay. He should know he isn’t dating a boy.”

“You don’t owe him this,” said Blue. “You don’t owe anyone your identity. You can tell him if you want, but you don’t have to. It doesn’t make you a liar or anything. Right now, you should just figure yourself out. Don't get all clouded with other people.”

“Blue,” said Adam seriously. “I owe everybody something.”

\---

Ronan could tell something was eating Adam, but he couldn’t figure out what the hell it was. Certain things were getting him huffy and upset. It was sort of hard to ignore the pattern that was emerging. If Ronan called him his _boyfriend_ , Adam would practically shut down. You couldn’t ignore that kind of thing, especially when it was such a pain in the ass to work yourself up enough to say it in the first place.

“Look,” he’d said one day. “If you don’t - if you don’t want this, you just have to say so.”

Adam had covered him with a severe, steely look, like Ronan had been insane for even bringing it up.

“Ronan,” he’d said. “I’ve never loved anybody the way I love you.”

Ronan, who hadn’t been anticipating such a response, cleared his throat.

“Great,” he’d choked out. “Good.”

So, if it wasn’t that, what the hell was it?

\---

“Maggot,” said Ronan. “You notice anything up with Parrish lately?”

Blue wasn’t a good liar. She wasn’t bad, exactly, but she had no particular talent for creating a falsehood. She knew this.

“Define ‘anything up’, please,” she said.

That was enough of an answer for Ronan.

“What is it?” he asked. He sat down next to her on the curb.

“No,” she said. “Oh, no, Ronan Lynch. Why don’t you ask him yourself?”

“I don’t think he’d tell me,” said Ronan. “If he was going to tell me, he’d just do it.”

Blue put her hands on her hips. “That’s some stupid logic right there. That’s barely even logic. Did you try asking him?”

Ronan didn’t say anything, but looked away from her like he’d been hit.

“Boys,” she said. “Why are you all like this?”

Ronan reached out to swat her ankles. She kicked him lightly on her way off.

\---

Ronan had a certain amount of affection for Adam’s little apartment above St. Agnes’s. He liked the slope of the ceiling, that it was impractical and small, and the confusing heating during the fall and winter. He liked that it was sort of a shitty place to be because he was used to a lot of uncomfortably sterile places. He liked that it was Adam’s. He liked that once he got up the stairs and out of the main church, that once the door was secured behind him, he was in a place that belonged to Adam.

They were doing a jigsaw puzzle on the floor. Adam was winning.

“You can’t win at a puzzle, Parrish,” said Ronan.

“Funny how I’m winning anyway,” said Adam. He was smirking slightly.

Ronan liked to watch Adam work through puzzles. He liked the moment in Adam’s eyes, the second you could tell he’d figured something important or essential out.

Well, this was as good a time as any. He had a hard time with stuff like this - anything that asked him to open up emotionally, to put himself in a vulnerable position - but he felt so at home in the moment that he thought it would be alright.

“Adam,” he said.

“Hm?” said Adam. He didn’t look up, too focused on the slew of middle pieces that had yet to find their homes.

“Are you alright?” asked Ronan. Adam looked up.

“Peachy,” said Adam. “Why?”

“I think something’s bothering you,” said Ronan. “I don’t know what it is, but I want to help.”

Adam thought about this for a moment. He set down the two puzzle pieces he’d been fidgeting with.

“You know Blue, yeah?” asked Adam.

Ronan snorted. “I know of her, yeah.”

Adam took a breath. “I mean, how she’s trans. You know that she’s trans.”

“I -” Ronan squinted at Adam slightly. “I do know that, yes.”

“I’m not a girl,” said Adam.

“Okay,” said Ronan, who was getting more confused by the second.

“No, oh my God,” said Adam. “I mean, I’m not a boy either. I’m neither.”

“Like, you’re nonbinary?” asked Ronan.

“Oh, for God’s sake,” said Adam, looking up at the ceiling in frustration. “Did everyone know about that before I did?”

Ronan shrugged. “Gansey likes to research. Sometimes I’m in the room.”

Adam stared at Ronan. Ronan sometimes underplayed his personal ability to learn, which was basically boundless if it was something he cared about. He ignored it for the moment.

“Are you okay with that?” asked Adam. It was measured. “That I’m not - not anything.”

“Yeah,” said Ronan.

“Just like that?” asked Adam.

“Sure,” said Ronan.

“You’re gay,” said Adam, like he couldn’t believe his luck.

“Yeah,” said Ronan. “I’m also like, pretty in love with you, so.”

"Love doesn't mean this is okay," said Adam. "You can love me now, but wait 'till it sets in. You aren't - you aren't dating a boy, Ronan."

"Yeah, I'm dating  _you_ ," said Ronan. "Right now I'm just glad you came out to me. I don't - " Ronan grappled for the right words. It wasn't that he'd expected this, or even that he wasn't hit by it. He didn't know what he was feeling.

"I'm sorry," said Adam.

"Don't," said Ronan. "I still like you, you know. I'm just -"

"Gay?" asked Adam.

"I sure as hell don't like girls," Ronan said. "I'm also sure as hell I like you."

"It's okay," said Adam. "We don't have to - I don't expect you to let this slide."

"We don't have to fucking break up, either," said Ronan. "You ever heard of a  _relationship bump_ , Parrish?"

“So,” Adam said, stress beginning to unravel.

“Yeah, so,” said Ronan. A wicked grin was starting to climb its way onto Ronan’s face.

“You’re really okay with this,” said Adam. “We’re really okay.”

“We’re really okay,” said Ronan. “Do you want me to like, call you something else?”

Adam shook his head. “Adam’s fine. Parrish’s fine. He’s fine for pronouns. I don’t - something rubs me the wrong way about being called a _boy_ , but I don’t know what else to say.”

“So ixnay on the oyfriend-bay,” said Ronan. “That’s cool. I’ll call you something else.”

“Yeah? Like what?”

“Whatever,” said Ronan. “Partner. Significant other. I’ll call you an astronaut if you want me to.”

Adam laughed, but he knew Ronan had meant it.

“You’re something else, Ronan Lynch,” said Adam. “I believe you’d dream me a new title if I asked you to.”

Ronan didn’t say anything - Adam was exactly right - so he dipped in for a kiss instead. Ronan always kissed like he was dying, like this kiss was going to be his last. Adam couldn’t help it - he had to cut the kiss short because he was smiling too much for it to be feasibly called kissing. At that point, it was just an awful lot of face-touching.

“You nerd,” said Ronan.

“Try again,” said Adam. “I’ll do it right this time.”

They tried again. Adam did it right that time.

**Author's Note:**

> if you liked this, please leave me a comment! i love them all dearly and they make me want to write more! if you want to get in touch with me when im not on ao3, you can find me on tumblr @putoriius ! dont be shy i love talking w/ you guys.  
> edit:  
> if you ever have any concerns regarding my work, please dont be afraid to tell me about them. leave a comment if you're comfortable. i also have anon open on tumblr, and im totally cool with private messaging. i want my work to be as accessible as possible!


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